Dark night of the soul
by V3mo
Summary: 2 sisters. 1 long evening. Where will the sisters be when the sun rises.
1. Chapter 1

**Meredith P.O.V**

I felt it before I saw it. The dark energy currently radiating through my hallway. The experience clarified something I'd never considered before. There's two nicknames currently in this house. I'm Medusa, the fearful creature who can turn people to stone with nothing more than a look. I can't say I'm offended and I'm probably just about gracious enough to concede it made some sense. I'm not a touchy feely character it's true and while my powers sadly do not extend to petrifying people I can more than hold my own and was glad everyone knew so. The person entering the house had a title too- hurricane Amelia. I'd always agreed with that name too. Even sober Amelia is a whirlwind, she's loud and messy, and you can't ignore her presence. And sadly, drunken Amelia, high Amelia had caused enough damage to herself and those around her to rival any freak weather. But watching her tonight I realised she was like a hurricane in another way; you can feel the pressure rising before the explosion.

As she enters the kitchen I'm alarmed by the look in her eyes. The sparkle that normally resides there was gone replaced by a disturbing emptiness. I was surprised therefore when Amelia showed no deviation from our normal routine. She calmly made food for the kids making small talk with Zola and Bailey about their day at school. When I came downstairs from putting Ellis and Bailey to bed she was at the kitchen table helping Zola with her homework. When I instructed Zola it was time for her bedtime Amelia got up to give her a hug and a soft kiss on the head.

"Good night Zola" she whispered.

It was dangerously gentle and although I know how much Amelia loved her nieces and nephews something in her tone scared me. After a second, I identified the feeling; it sounded like Amelia was saying goodbye.

While Zola seemed oblivious to her aunt's distress I'm becoming more concerned by the second. Normally Amelia would shout or cry not this; this illusion of normality was infinitely more disturbing. I caught her eye, silently asking her what was wrong, but there was no response, my sister's eyes remained impassive and she turned away to start busying herself tidying the kitchen. I sighed and went up with Zola silently wondering how to tackle this.

With Zola asleep I returned to the kitchen to find sparkling surfaces and a bowl of pasta waiting for me on the counter. I can't take much more of this.

"Amelia"

But Amelia only shook her head offered a weak smile and went upstairs.

Sighing I ate the pasta thinking I might need my strength for the confrontation that I'm clearly going to have to force.

 **Amelia P.O.V**

This wasn't the way I expected the day to go. You'd think that the night you prepared to turn your life upside down you might have an inkling as you opened the curtains. But it didn't always happen that way.

I'd been struggling for the last few weeks. Seeing Owen with Leo had been difficult in a way I hadn't expected. Of course, seeing the beautiful little boy Owen now held reminded me instantly of my own unicorn baby. Every time Leo smiled or laughed felt like acid being dripped slowly into an open wound. It was a brutal reminder of all the moments I never got to have. The worst was when he started to make sounds, and, in an instant, I was transported back to the hospital room in LA and the second my heart had broken. The moment when my little unicorn baby started to fade away making that devastating squeaking sound I knew came from anencephaly. I'd told Jake not to let me hear him squeak, I'd heard about the phenomenon in my lectures at Hopkins, seen it with other patients but there was nothing that could have prepared me for hearing it from my own son. It was more than just the reminder though, it was seeing Owen with a child. My former husband, the man who so desperately had wanted children, and who now got to be happy with a child, without me. It didn't matter that I was the one who'd said no to children, that I know my marriage would never have worked, and we were better apart. You can't always tell your mind what to feel and lately mine was ignoring everything I knew and instead focusing on the visceral thing that I felt, pain. And there's only so much pain a person can take. Today I reached my limit.

I'd tried though, I'd tried so hard. I'd been at daily meetings and at first, I thought I was winning. But day by day my strength was caving. At first it was looking a second too long at the bottles of wine in the fridge, having to drag my gaze away from the glass Meredith seemed to have permanently in her hand. It wasn't alcohol I wanted this time though. And so finally after one bad day at work I'd been able to hold on no longer. Without even realising it my feet had taken me to find the junkie doctor and my hands had exchanged money for the small plastic baggie in my grasp. I placed it in the pocket of my leather jacket; as much as I wanted it it couldn't be now. This was different, I knew I wouldn't come back from the pills this time. The first time getting sober had been hard, the second torturous, I did not think I'd survive a third. So as much as I wanted the release of the pills I forced myself to wait that little bit longer. Because if I'm going to do this there was something I would have to do first, spend one last night with my beautiful Zola, bailey and Ellis.

That's what had got me through the evening as I did everything I could for them this one last time. I ignored Meredith's stares and rebuffed her attempt to reach out. And finally, as I entered my room to get changed I knew this was it. As I picked up my bag to leave I found my path blocked by a figure in the doorway and I realised I'd have to wait that little bit longer again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Meredith p.o.v**

Amelia had got changed, she was wearing her favourite black jeans, a dark blue top under the leather jacket she wore like armour. This was Amelia to go out. I placed myself squarely in the doorway, if Amelia thought she was going out in this state she had another thing coming. But knowing Amelia there'd be a fight. I readied to stand my ground and lit the torch paper; it was the siren vs the storm.

"What's going on ?" I asked my tone firm, the time for softly softly was long past.

"Just getting changed I'm going out"

"Out where ?"

"You're not my mother Meredith" Amelia said walking towards me but I make no effort to clear her path.

"No, I'm your sister so I get to do this"

"I'm not your sister ok so you don't need to worry about me we don't have to do this, just let me go".

"No, you are my sister. I love you, is that what you need to hear?"

"Honestly it doesn't matter, you don't owe me anything so let's not do this alright".

"For god's sake" I'm starting to lose my temper "Do you really think that little of me ? You live in my house, you look after my children who love their aunt Amelia. You don't get to say that I don't have to care."

"I don't want to fight with you".

"I know, this isn't about me is it, so why don't you tell me what it is about".

Amelia was suddenly pleading "Please Meredith just let me go"

"No, I'm not leaving" my tone softening to match Amelia's.

 **Amelia P.O.V**

I'm beginning to lose it, I have the answers to all my problems right here with me closer than ever before and yet I still can't use it.

"Meredith I'm asking please let me go" my body is shaking now with the effort involved in trying to stay calm.

"No Amelia"

I didn't want to do this, but I am desperate for the release I'd promised myself. So I gather my strength and try to push past Meredith. She doesn't look surprised. Neither of us are fighters, we're both tiny, but I thought I'd be able to take her. I'd forgotten about her wilful stubbornness, clearly enough to rival mine, and she pushes me back to the centre of the room.

"You just said I was your sister, so as your sister I'm asking- please let me go".

"You're right that would be a great thing for a sister to do, let a recovering addict who's really upset out late at night that would win me sister of the year" her tone dripping with sarcasm.

Maybe it's her hearing the words aloud or maybe there was an unconscious reaction on my part. Either way I see in Meredith's face she knows. She's looking at my jacket with too much concern, I wrap my arms around me in a last-ditch attempt to keep my secrets.

"Give me your jacket"

"What ? " I'm still desperately trying to avoid the inevitable, playing dumb.

"You heard give me your jacket".

"If you're that desperate to undress someone Meredith you should try a vibrator" I tried for a desperate attempt at scorn.

"You have three seconds to give me that jacket"

We stood opposite each other in the bedroom neither moving.

"3

2,

1".

With her countdown over I smirked hoping that I'd won. The next thing I knew though I found myself thrown on the bed, Meredith had launched herself at me and was rifling through my jacket pockets.

"What the hell get off me" I struggled wildly trying to get her off.

But I knew it was too late. I heard my left pocket being pulled down and her hand tighten around the bag hidden inside.

"Oh Amelia"

 **Meredith p.o.v**

As I turned over the smooth plastic in my hands I was could feel myself getting angry. I'd read all about the neuroscience of addiction and its powerful effects. I knew no one would choose to be an addict in the same way my patients didn't choose their diseases. But despite all that Amelia' s none stop battle with the self-destruct button drives me insane. I was seriously pissed off.

I look at her in front of me. She's suddenly fascinated by her feet and looks more like a teenager facing a lecture from her mother than the talented head of neurosurgery I know her to be. It was almost enough to stir the beginnings of mercy in me, but I couldn't let her get off that easily.

I had no idea what I was going to say to her. Should I be calling Addison? Dragging her to rehab? It's not like it's the first time she's been tempted ,but not with drugs and not so badly she didn't ask for help.

Before I could start though Ellis cried. I think it was that which saved Amelia from the petrifying wrath I'm famous for. When she heard Ellis cry her eyes burned first with concern. Sure, I caught a fleeting glimpse of hope in her eyes that she could use this to escape, which only strengthened my resolve to keep her right in this house. But amidst the cacophony of emotions she must have about her own situation her first thought was her niece, my daughter. That's who Amelia really was.

Taking a deep breath to try calm the anger I didn't want to be feeling, I finally addressed her.

"We're going to go and take care of Ellis ok? This isn't over, don't even begin to hope it is, but Ellis first".

She nodded meekly in compliance and I gestured for her to go first still not trusting her not to bolt down stairs, out the door and into chemical oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

**Amelia p.o.v**

Meredith waits for me to leave the room walking close behind me as we head to Ellis's room. Too close. I don't like how this is going. As if to compound my growing alarm Meredith gives me a pointed a look as she shuts the door, eying my position leaning against the back wall.

"Sit there- please".

While I appreciate the please Meredith was gracious enough to choke out, my face still burned. I clearly wasn't to be trusted but I guess I brought that on myself.

I sat on the small red plastic chair she had gestured to, which allowed her to be nearer the door. I hated being treated like a child and the double irony of being made to sit on a tiny child's chair could almost have been funny. But not quite.

I was using the time Meredith was settling Ellis to think about how I should play this. The horrible feeling of the confrontation I knew would be to come, the shame I felt, weren't enough to stop the insatiable craving I had for oxy. The pills I'd bought earlier were a write off; they were heading for a forced swim from Meredith. So the best way to get more would be to play along. I'm going to plead forgiveness, swear on the AA big book and hope that's enough to grant me early release from my confinement on the excuse of a meeting. Even though it's a whole different kind of release I really had in mind.

 **Meredith P.O.V**

After I put Ellis down in her crib I herded Amelia into the bathroom. I wanted her to see it, see them for what I did; useless trash that should be thrown away. Her eyes never left my hand as I pulled them from my pocket and held the bag above the toilet. This bright, brilliant woman who had spent the last few weeks trying to revolutionise neurosurgery and suddenly all she's capable of thinking about is that tiny bag. Letting the bag fall from my fingers and quickly flushing I make a point of looking in her eyes trying to get a window into that very complicated mind. I really hoped to see relief or regret. But it was only disappointment.

We were sat again in her room now, me with my back against the wooden door, her on her bed. I wonder if this might have been the thing I did with Lexie if we'd had the chance to grow up together. I'd sit here and make her tell me about her latest poor decision. It wouldn't have been drugs but some inappropriate guy she'd lost her heart to far too early like she always did. I'd tell her to take her heart out of her vagina, we'd both have a moment. That's the kind of thing you'd see in a film she'd have loved. There were less films about waiting for your addict sister in law to cut the crap and realise she was in trouble.

"I'm sorry" she said breaking the deeply uncomfortable silence we were swimming in

"I screwed up I always do".

I rolled my eyes in response but still said nothing

"But I'm glad you were here ok you were right. I've been sober 1457 days I don't want to break that Derek wouldn't have wanted me to break that. And now I haven't but I know its not alright so I'm going to go to a meeting ok. I'm going to go to a lot of meetings and get to day 1458 and then 1459".

She stands up from the bed and moves towards me.

"There's a decent meeting 2 blocks away, I'm going to go".

In reaction to my lack of movement she tries for a joke.

"Little bit difficult to get there with you sat in the way".

She's getting more frustrated now as I keep guard at the door.

"Meredith" she growls and she's beginning to lose her cool.

I sense we're nearly there.

It was good that little performance and I so wanted to believe her, I really did. But I didn't buy it. We don't have a lot in common but the one thing we do is being stubborn. That was far too easy. The last thing she'd ever want to do right now is talk to me. She's going to tonight, if it's the last thing I do she's going to, but I know I'm going to be dragging it out of her. I wonder why she did it – is it still that she thinks I don't care? If she says the right words, I'll think I'm off the hook regardless if they're true? It could be, but I think its something else. She wants to leave because she still wants drugs.

I decided to call her bluff. I stand and see her eyes light up thinking I'm clearing the way for her. But as I block the doorway with my arms her face darkens.

"Meredith" she tries still thinking I'll fall for her mock road to Damascus commitment to sobriety.

"Knock it off Amelia. It was good I grant you, even the Derek thing – nice touch. But I'm not stupid you walk out of this door you're not going to a meeting".

She curls her fists.

"You want to fight me? Fine bring it on but you're not going to get past me. And if you do the first thing I'll do is ring the police. And then I'll ring Addison. I'll tell her you're using and before I've cut the call she'll be at the airport on the first flight here ,we both know that. She'll take you to LA and you'll be back in rehab by tomorrow night."

I take a breath.

"I'm giving you this chance, this one chance to keep your life together. I couldn't care less that you don't want me to do this; tough. Stay and talk to me or take your chances and face the consequences. It's your call Amelia."

She looks at me considering. I'm watching her weigh her life in her hands and then suddenly she falls to the floor and she cries.


	4. Chapter 4

**Amelia P.O.V**

I wish more than anything I could stop crying. The disgusting look of pity on Meredith's face is killing me but all I can do is sob. Out of frustration and fear, self-loathing and guilt but mostly out of the pain I've been feeling for weeks that has now got such a hold on my heart I can barely breathe.

And still she sits by the door. She's torn I can sense it, part of her wants to come hold me but she's still worried I'll try leave. That's probably wise, I'm still not sure myself what my next move will be. Still I can almost hear her internal struggle and I suddenly find myself laughing.

"What's funny?" she asks confused.

"You are. There's a time you'd have thrown me out for even breaking a nail. Now you're sat here actually wanting me to talk to you"

She looks pissed off, so I ask what I'm really trying to say before she gets a chance to strike.

"Why are you doing this?"

I think for a second she's still going to be angry, so I'm surprised by what she actually says.

"I really hurt you, didn't I? I didn't mean to. You have to understand something, I'm not like you.."

I can't help but smirk, interrupting her, and she smiles

"Yeah I know although in some ways more alike than we realise that's probably why we can wind each other up so much. But I'm not like you because I didn't understand family. Derek actually said that to me once. My mum was all about career and by the time I met any of my sisters I'd got used to relying on me. You grew up in a big family you know what it means so it was easy for you to take on Addison and Maggie. I know I made mistakes I mean clearly I did if you still doubt me. I thought when you used to say that you were just trying to hurt me but it's what you think isn't it, you really can't believe I care about you. And that's a problem because I do".

Wow. That definitely wasn't something I ever expected to hear. Tears roll down my cheeks again, not the uncontrollable force from earlier but gentle ones because I'm surprised. Meredith could feel that even though my blood sisters couldn't give a damn. Sure Addison loves me and she's my sister in law, but Addison was desperate to love, so desperate she could love a disaster like me. Meredith seems to choose who to love much more carefully so I'm surprised with all my crap she'd still be able to care.

"You don't talk about it".

It was meant as a statement but in reality, it's a question. Don't talk about what: my dad dying? Ryan dying? My baby dying? I'm scared that's what she means but she can't know, can she?

"The tumour, you never talk about it".

The tumour. It says a lot about my life that a 10cm tumour in my brain is so far down the list of my pressing issues.

"What's to say ?"

"Were you scared?"

I pause for a second. "Not of death or something going wrong not really, but I was scared I wouldn't be me anymore. Or maybe worse what if I wasn't, what if I wasn't an addict anymore if we'd found it sooner Ryan could be still alive".

"You've never cried over the body of the person you love most in the world" she whispered repeating the accusation I'd levelled at her what seems a lifetime ago. If only I'd known how things would turn out.

"Yeah"

After a few moments where we both can't help but remember the loves we lost she says something else that surprises me.

"I was proud of you".

I splutter at that shocked. "I just lay unconscious in a bed not really my finest hour" a bit embarrassed at her unusual display of emotional honesty.

"Don't minimise it. I had to watch you that night sob in agony because you wouldn't take anything for the pain. I really considered giving you morphine, Maggie had to talk me out of it. That was strong it's not nothing".

 **Meredith P.O.V**

My words are surprising me. I'm not lying to her, even to stop her throwing her life away tonight I wouldn't lie. I mean all this. It would be easier if I did hate her but I don't. Im still angry but at the situation now not her. I know shes trying so im going to make sure she doesn't throw in the towel.

"Amelia im going to take that glass to the bathroom and fill it, can I trust you to stay ?"

She nods.

Im not sure but im really thirsty. I wouldn't leave her for anything longer than a minute right now but im praying we can manage twenty seconds.

Backing out I warn her, "Im not sure I could forgive you if you leave right now".

Im serious, deadly serious I know this is life or death. If she takes Oxy she could end up dead this time; there'd be one less Shepherd in the world.

As I return with two glasses of water, I discarded the toothbrushes from the one in the bathroom because I don't dare risk the trip downstairs to get one, she's still there.

Sat crossed legged holding her feet it makes her small frame even smaller.

She takes the water from me and raises the issue I've been considering as well.

"We cant stay here forever".

"I know". If only we could, but you cant contain a hurricane.

"Are you going to call Addison ?"

"I don't know" I probably should; I know she's always been good in a crisis.

We descend into silence again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Amelia P.O.V**

Leaving me for twenty seconds to go to the room next door necessitated a solemnly agreed promise and a threat of eternal estrangement. I don't like my chances for being left alone again.

I don't want to go back to rehab. It might have saved my life, but I resented it every second I did so. Those times though I knew I was broken. There's no where else to go when you've been bought back from the dead. Or held your fiancé as he turned cold. So I went in as willingly as I could ever manage. This time though I'm not there, I might be on rocky ground but from past experience I'm not at the brink how could I be; no one's dead. There's a strong chance I'm going to end up in rehab tomorrow I realise that. It might be because of me, I know I could still end up snorting oxy by the day is through. Or it might be because of Meredith; it's fun to have options as to how your worst nightmare will occur. But this time if it happens, I will not be going quietly.

I'm surprised though that I'm not already being made to pack; Meredith watching over me to check there's not a crack pipe hidden in my bra. This isn't a Meredith I've seen much of so I'm hoping I still have one last chance to persuade her.

"You don't want to call her, do you? If you were go to you would have already. "

"It's the middle of the night" she tries as a weak excuse.

"You know Addison, she'd take a call about me any hour of the day. She'd have taken a call about me in the middle of her wedding."

"You must have been the third wheel in that marriage"

"Something else we have in common" not able to resist teasing her.

She sees the funny side.

"You're right I don't want to call her. I probably should but I don't".

I let myself feel cautiously optimistic.

"Why did you leave LA?"

"Brain tumour remember" if there's one upside to a tumour it's as the ultimate answer for any awkward questions.

"I know but why did you think you were leaving at the time"

"Everything was happening too fast and then Derek was asking for my help. I could help by being chief of neuro of course I stayed".

"So why do you never go back? You said it, you have a sister who'd do anything for you, you have friends there why do you never visit?"

We're in dangerous territory now.

"Well there's this amazing invention called skype… " I say mockingly ,we're too close to everything I've been wanting to escape from tonight.

"Amelia" she says warningly but then she asks more kindly "what is it you're so scared of?"

I don't know why I do it, but the words fall from my mouth before I can stop them

"A unicorn".

 **Meredith P.O.V**

I'd think she was winding me up if it wasn't for the utter devastation on her face. Still I'm confused, I'm waiting for her to fill me in but it's as if she's not in the room anymore. Her body is hunched over on my floor, but her mind is elsewhere back to LA and whatever the unicorn is that clearly haunts her. I realise I'm going to have to bring her back.

"What happened" I encourage her.

She sits up and looks at me.

"I didn't know for the longest time. Once it came out I could feel everyone trying not to ask me how I managed not to know. I thought it was all the drugs my body finally free of all the crap if pumped into it".

I nod but in truth I'm still lost.

"By the time I realised it was twenty weeks".

Now its crystal clear and a story that can obviously end only one way.

"I knew I wanted to have the baby, it was Ryan's he'd have been a great dad. Addison was so excited she pursued me for days trying to get me to have the ultra sound id be avoiding. That was the last time we properly talked until I was in labour; it wasn't her fault, but it was easier to hate her".

"Hate her for what?".

"My baby was anencephalic".

"Oh god Amelia" I can't believe I'm hearing this story for the first time.

"He did so good though. I called him a unicorn baby because when I was little I loved unicorns and they could do amazing things"

She's crying again now but she doesn't even notice.

"I held him, he was so perfect. And he donated all his organs when, when"

"When the time came" I finish the sentence she couldn't, shouldn't ever have to say.

This time I don't worry she'll run, I move towards her and wrap my arms around her. And this time she doesn't doubt my intentions she just clings on.

"I've got you" I tell her and I do. I have her, I'm her sister, I have her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Amelia P.O.V**

We're in my bed now Meredith lying behind me stroking my arm likes she did when she came in my hospital room the night before surgery.

I weirdly feel calmer now. I don't like to talk about him, I put a great big wall between now and that time. Mostly it works but that's a problem with unicorns, the sharp horn can pierce through anything. No matter how much stuff I try to throw between us it always breaks through now and then as it did tonight.

Meredith seems calmer now too. I still don't know what she's going to do though, except there's one thing I know is coming.

"Ask me" I prompt her, we both know she wants to ask.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anyone here I wanted a fresh start and telling people wouldn't have let me do that".

"Derek didn't know" she asks surprised.

"No".

She takes that in.

"I told Karev once".

"Alex? You told Alex?" she's incredulous, he might be her new person, but her surprise seems a little damning.

"There was a case that was too close to home. He was nice, he told me I should talk to Owen".

Meredith stiffens behind me and her hand stills on my arm. She's realised.

"Owen's fostering …" the sentence dies but it's enough, those two words say everything that's been on my mind the last few weeks.

"His name is Leo."

She gently rubs my arm again.

"I lost a baby too. I can't begin to understand what you went through, but I get seeing Owen with Leo and how that must hurt".

I turn to her shocked "when?".

"After the shooting. I still think about them. I wonder what they'd have looked like, what their favourite colour was.

She pokes me gently "what their surgical speciality would be" she jokes.

"But I'm okay, you're going to be ok".

 **Meredith P.O.V**

So much about Amelia makes sense now. The woman who lost every man she'd ever loved, the neurosurgeon with a baby with no brain and tumour in her frontal lobe. We'd both known a lot of tragedy we'd said as much to each other at the graveyard with Maggie. The difference being I was allowed to deal with mine. No one cared if I went dark and twisty. But when we call her the hurricane we've actually been making it worse. I mean she's not blameless with the things she's done in her time of course people treated her with scepticism. Yet calling her that also contributed to the problem. She knew we judged her for acting out when things happened, knowing that, and desperate to please so she wouldn't lose anyone else, she buried everything. The things she's been through though anyone would break it's the normal response. No wonder she ends up exploding.

Its crunch time now though, I think we both sense that. I found her this evening with a bag of oxy in her pocket whatever I do has to make sure that doesn't happen again.

I place her hand in mind and pull her up from the bed.

"Come with me" I say needlessly as I'm already taking her where I have in mind.

I can tell she's surprised to find herself in Zola's room. I tilt her chin up with my hand so she's no choice but to look me in the eye.

"Swear to me. Swear on Zola's life that you're not going to use tonight and that you're going to go to a meeting tomorrow. And the day after and however many days it takes."

Amelia looks terrified about what I'm asking.

"Meredith" she whispers tentatively.

"You can't promise you wont ever slip again I know that. And if you still really think you'll use tonight tell me I won't be mad I promise you. I'll get you through no question hold your hand through rehab. But if you can do this, if you can get to day 1458 tonight swear you wont use and that Richard will see you at a meeting tomorrow."

She steadies herself as she considers. So quietly I almost can't hear her

"I swear on Zola's life".

Taking her hand again we go to my room, I pull back the covers and gesture for her to get in.

"Meredith, I'm not going to use tonight" she tells me worried I'm still doing this to watch her.

"I know" I reassure her patting the space again "I know you won't".

She gets in beside me and with a sudden spark of her usual self says to me "you know trying to undress me, wanting to sleep with me maybe you should try that vibrator".

I push her playfully before we settle down then its just us. The siren and the storm in the calm after the chaos; asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Amelia P.O.V

I was just about to head into the house back from a meeting at the end of a very long day at work, Richard had dropped me home.

The day after my potential relapse Meredith had obviously had a busy morning. I had a craniotomy first thing which was a relief having something else to focus on and an excuse to be alone. It's easier to be truthful at night and a lot had been said that evening which could never be unsaid. As light came through the curtains and day reigned we had to deal with what had been said in the dark. We were both awkward with each other at breakfast and I was eternally grateful for the misplacing of Bailey's shoes which ensured we didn't really get a chance to speak. Coming out of the OR on my post-surgery high Richard was waiting. Of course he was. He didn't say anything other than the time and place of a meeting, so I knew she'd been to see him. Maggie as well had clearly been on Meredith's visiting list as she was at dinner that night. We hadn't seen her for weeks at dinner. She'd very sensibly picked her boyfriend's fancy pad over the messy evening chaos. It didn't therefore take a big leap of deduction to wonder what had made her decide to be at ours or stay silent on the conspicuous disappearance of the alcohol from the fridge. It certainly wasn't the lure for Meredith's fish fingers that's for sure.

I carried on trying to keep my life together. I'd taken a step back from Owen and Leo it was just too hard to do anything else. I wasn't there yet, it was still a struggle passing the dispensary at work, but things were improving.

As for Meredith and I she still surprised me. The next day I'd waited for the lecture and expulsion from the house I was convinced only her fear for me had prevented the night before. It never came. She looked out for me even if she still hated the fact I left cupboard doors open- I mean you're only going to open them again anyway?!She was right to say I had doubted she thought of me as a sister. A burden, an obligation but not a sister. But now I think she did. So, it didn't matter that I was a disaster and had a dead brother and three sisters who wished they didn't have me. It didn't matter because I was a disaster who was trying her best and mostly doing ok. And I had three sisters to lean on who really did care. Addison who loved me more than I could ever deserve. Maggie who was so strange and funny she could genuinely be a sobriety aid as effective as methadone. And finally Meredith, the sister I never expect who had my back and who could lend me some of her ferocious strength when I doubted mine. That eclectic family unit would be what sent most people running for the sweet relief of drugs. Me? I think they might be just the thing to keep me sane.


End file.
